Trying to make loss less taboo

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‘I’m sorry... There’s no heartbeat’.......Suffering a miscarriage is devastating.


February is the anniversary of my miscarriage and so I have edited the original post as I now feel more comfortable adding more detail to my story.

I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks between Jamie and Rosie. I remember when we found out. I was getting Jamie ready for school and had to run to the toilet. I froze. I hadn’t had the classic doubling over with cramps that you see in movies so I really wasn’t prepared for what I saw. I phoned my partner and my mum in a panic. I phoned the early pregnancy unit and was booked in for a scan. 

The scan

My mum came with me and sat with me while I got the scan. It was an internal scan and thankfully I had done some research beforehand so I at least knew to expect this.  I'll never forget the words of the midwife, "I'm sorry...there's no heartbeat". I sobbed. She then said, ‘did you have no idea?’, and at the time I didn’t think much of what was said but now with hindsight I feel I should have said to her ‘Yes as soon as I saw the blood I knew my baby had died and so I’m ok with this’. Some people say the wrong things as talking about pregnancy loss can still seem a taboo subject. 

I had been trying to keep it together before that, telling myself that it would all be ok, that some women can have a small bleed in early pregnancy but it all ends up ok. I was not one of those women.

I didn't know how to tell my partner. I went home with leaflets to decide what my next step would be. I chose to miscarry at home as for me I felt I wasn't ready to let go yet and this option gave me extra time although this option isn’t for everyone and it depends on each individual woman. 

The miscarriage

It was horrible. Awful labour like cramps and huge massive clots. I was shocked at the size and amount. No one speaks about that part of it, unless they have been through it themselves. This lasted for a few hours and then slowed down. I went back to the early pregnancy unit for another scan so make sure everything had passed. It hadn’t. Baby was still there. I then chose to take medication to speed it up. I was told that it can all start again as quickly as half an hour after the pills are inserted. 

Nothing happened. 

The midwife from the unit phoned the next day to check and decided on another scan to see what was going on. At the next scan baby had gone. I don’t know where to as I never saw anything pass apart from blood, no sac no baby just something that turned out to be the placenta. I like to think that my body had reabsorbed the baby somehow. Four months later I found out we were expecting Rosie. I like to think she was that baby and she just wasn't quite ready so I took her back until she was.
Some people may read this and think it’s a nice idea but it’s not possible. That may be so but it’s how I am dealing with my grief and loss. 

Slowly but surely more people are feeling able to speak about their losses. People may say oh but it was only 8 weeks, barely a foetus, just a ball of cells but a loss is still a loss. It still hurt physically and I was still devastated emotionally. I grieved for the child that would never be. Even now I say to people this is my fourth pregnancy but third baby. It takes a lot to open up and talk to strangers about pregnancy and baby loss.  

I find dads are left out from talking about loss. Of course the mum physically goes through it but the dad has to try and support her through it. He feels like he has to hold both of them together. This can mean he hasn’t been able to fully go through the grieving process. 

Pregnancy and baby loss is a horrible thing that no couple should ever have to go through but unfortunately they do. Tommy's is a great charity that supports parents and are researching why these losses happen to try and prevent future ones.

Tommys is a great charity that is researching ways to prevent pregnancy and baby loss and also provides support to parents who are dealing with loss.

Please donate if you can and remember to keep talking.



Comments

  1. It is such an awful experience to go through! I also had none of the pains - just a little bit of spotting which my GP decided to get me checked out for. The pain when it did happen was like nothing else I can explain and the whole experience was incredibly traumatic - it would have been traumatic anyway but I was losing blood so quickly I actually lost my sight for a few minutes which is when my partner rang 999.

    I hope that no one has to go through it but unfortunately that isn't the case so we have to keep raising awareness and offering support to those who've been through it. Sending you all the love in the world x

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  2. It really shouldn't be happening these days but unfortunately it does. I think some people don't talk about it because they are worried about upsetting the parents but if anything that makes us feel more isolated and alone.

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